Dear Jimmy,
I am sorry that I allow our finances to stress me out so much. I am sorry I drag you onto the financial roller-coaster of ups and downs. I appreciate how hard and how much you work. I know you cannot work any harder than you do now. I hear your frustration that you bust your butt working long hours, doing manual labor, in the freezing cold and scorching heat and there still isn't much money to do "fun" or "extra" stuff with. What we don't even have enough to put gas in the boat this month? And just when we think we are going to get ahead and be able to save, and unexpected expense pops up. Two steps forward, four steps back. I am sorry that I just now went back to work full time and that I make only half the money I used to. I am grateful that God brought me a job so that I can help you provide and for such a time as this he has me working at a poultry plant :) I don't know why, but I know for right now that is where I am supposed to be. I know quitting my teaching job and staying at home this past year put a lot of pressure on you and a HUGE strain on us financially. I am thankful that almost every day during this past school year God provided a way for me to earn money and help provide for our family whether through cleaning houses, taking care of other people pets, baby-sitting, cleaning cars, organizing people's homes, part-time/ temp work, substitute and contract teaching. It has been a humbling year for me and truly given me time to reflect on my life and the "rat race" I was running.
As hard as this past year has been, I wouldn't change it for the world. And If I could do it over I would do things just the same. Jimmy, thank you for taking a chance on me. Thank you for letting me have a year to "breathe" and stop going through the motions and take time to seek what God has for me and who I am in Him. I will NEVER regret and will ALWAYS cherish ALL THE TIME AND MEMORIES THIS PAST YEAR 2012 -2013 has given me with our children. Harleigh is about to start first grade and Maverick Kindergarten can you believe it? What JOY it brought me to take them to and from school each day and be able to work at their school most days. What a blessing it has been for me to volunteer in Harleigh's classroom and watch her succeed, read, and shine. How thankful I am to have been able to interact with her amazing teachers who really care about our daughter and celebrated her unique creativity and artistic abilities and affinity for song writing! How critical it was that Maverick got a spot in the Pre-K program and that I was able to get Maverick to and from Pre-K every day! God blessed him with such wonderful teachers, who went ABOVE and BEYOND to accommodate him and meet him where he was at but push him just enough for him to experience success and breakthroughs! Pre-K changed our lives!God healed his ears and restored his hearing. This year we saw Maverick grow and overcome so many things we had worried about for him and feared for him when he was younger, and for the first time in his 4 years of life we could truly communicate with him and get to know the precious son God has given us.
Jimmy, Thank you for bearing with me as I stepped out of my comfort zone and dealt with a lot of emotions as I tried to figure out what God wants for me.I needed a "time-out" from the whirlwind of life: meeting you at 17, engaged at 18, college, buying our first house at 19, married at 20, buying our second home at 21, teaching job at 22, having Harleigh at 23, buying our 3rd home, Maverick at 24 and going through the motions everyday to drop my kids off with someone else while I went to work to make an extra dollar to pay for stuff we didn't need to impress people we don't know and sometimes didn't even like. It is an ugly truth, but we all know there is some truth there. We sold my nice fancy car and bought and old one we could pay cash for, we didn't have to pay for childcare anymore. I sold my designer purses and "fluff stuff" when we needed to save for something or pay bills. And even with all that for the first time, I had flexibility in my schedule and breathing room added to my days. I was able to build some healthy friendships with godly women who affirmed God's works in me and challenged me not to settle for less than God's best and to claim his promises. I was able to process through and heal from a lot of things that I had pushed to the side. I learned that it didn't matter that I wasn't currently a teacher or educator and that the only identity I truly need to know is this: that I am HIS. I am a daughter of the king. I belong to Jesus. I am his beloved. He is my kinsman Redeemer. He calls me Blessed. He gave his life and made a way for me to know him. It doesn't matter where I work or what I am doing. I know WHOSE I am and each day I have learned to be content and fulfill the purpose he has for me for that day. I learned more about how God loves me. I learned more about how he calls me to love others. It has helped me love you more and love our children more.
I am thankful I got to really take care of and rule in my God given domain/ our household. I am thankful I had time to cook good "hearty" meals for you and keep the laundry caught up so we had family time to play in the yard after supper or watch movies. The weekends were special because I was able to get my housework done during the week. I know this year was TOUGH on our relationship and constant battle for our marriage, but we STAYED IN IT. WE are still fighting. We experienced a lot of resentment from both parties and now we are experiencing healing and forgiveness and choosing to believe the best.
Jimmy, I think the lessons,triumphs, trials, and blessings we experienced this past year will be ones that impact future generations. We are both stubborn. We were young and God is maturing us, pruning us, and molding us. He has proven his FAITHFULNESS time and time again. He has REDEEMED relationships. He has transformed our thinking and changed our hearts. Remember when we used to want a real big house, in a real nice subdivision, with an upstairs and a basement? Remember when you wanted that new z71 truck and I traded in my Paid for! car for a much newer fully loaded suburban? We worked hard and thought we deserved and needed those things. Geez Louise were we way off target.The more stuff we got the more heartache and sorrows we had. In the past year we have stood together and taken initiative to becoming debt free! It is hard and we are SCRAPING BY......We have simplified. We are "thrilled" to driver older paid for cars, buy everything with cash, and say No to credit cards and spending money we don't have. Of course we still pout. We still complain and want stuff, but the things that really matter and that we really want aren't things you can buy, or get a loan for. Its time with our family. Time outdoors in God's creation, time with our kids, pets, family and friends.
I hear ya, I know you are frustrated that our house hasn't sold; I am too. We are pleading with God to help us sell it so we can downsize to a little cottage or bungalow that we can remodel together as we have the cash to do it on a little piece of land with no HOA covenants for you and some more animals for me!We want financial freedom so that we can give and be generous and not be a slave to a job because being a slave is NO FUN! God knows our hearts. He is preparing us for something better. He may allow us to stay here a while longer and remember the price we have paid for our choices. He may be teaching us financial discipline and stewardship so we can handle the blessings that are to come. WE learned money comes and goes but only God stays the same. Maybe this is just a BIG SCAR to always remind us how DEBT is a JOY KILLER and CAN SUCK the LIFE OUT OF PEOPLE.
I don't know exactly why, we are still in this season, But I do know this for sure: GOD IS SOVEREIGN. God is good. God has always been FAITHFUL to us!
Sorry it has taken me so long to tell you thank you for sticking with me after this crazy year of transition.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love you.
Faithfully,
Linds
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Stuck in the Middle... of the Money, the Month, the Mortgage and the Clothes Rack
Dear Jimmy, and Dear God,
I am sorry I brought the laptop and checkbook to bed tonight. Sorry I cried, splashed tears onto the checkbook register and smudged blue sharpie pen on our comforter. I know that "laid back" is the way you roll. You know that "control freak/ panties in a wad" is the only way I know. It is that hard time of the month again. You know....dun dun dun.....The MIDDLE of the month. The part where we have taken all the money we have made in the first two weeks to pay our tithes, childcare, utilities, insurance, gas, and groceries. Now it is the dreaded MIDDLE of the month AGAIN!!! eOur house still hasn't sold. We still have find a way to pay it for one more month. WE have the biggest bill to pay..... that HUGE house payment due..you know all at one time. Oh but we can just pay it before the grace period and we will be fine. Yep, well it is the MIDDLE of the month, the grace period ends tomorrow. I am sweating. I am feeling sick to my stomach. I know that right now the stress I am wallowing in will cause me two wake up puffy red eyes, and two more zits on my face..................I cry some more. I calm down, pray, read and re-read scripture...... THEN the Holy Spirit reminds me things from God's word that I have hidden in my heart....He reminds me that God's grace period never ends. His mercies are NEW every morning. He gives us this day, our DAILY bread.
In everything I have read in the past three days God has reminded me of his promises. He has revealed to me ways that he has provided for us in the past that I had forgotten about. He has whispered "be calm", "trust me" and " hush child" to my heart endlessly over the past several days.
I feel like I am in a crowded store and there are people everywhere. (Think Gainesville Walmart on Black Friday.) God is holding my hand and telling me to walk at his pace. I see ways to go that I think are better, will get us there faster, lines that are shorter, things that are on sale! I see places that I can get to without his help.I have friends waiting in another line, I want to be in line with them. I was just going to let go of his hand for a second. Just get ahead of him, just a little bit. Then it happens, I realize that I am lost. I am that lost, scared child in a huge, busy, crowded store, hiding in the MIDDLE of the clothes rack praying that my parents will call my name and come looking for me before anything bad can happen to me.My flesh thinks of all the terrible things that can happen to me while I am lost. I go through several worst case scenarios, then I quit crying long enough, take a breath and look up and catch a glimpse of him and hear him calling my name. He is there again ready to walk with me and guide me by the hand. He has already told me this: He loves me unconditionally and he will never physically leave me or forsake me ( turn his heart away from me.) Sometimes he scoops me up and gives me the longest, tightest hug, Other times he allows me to suffer for a season or be scared for a few minutes. And there are the times that he disciplines me. He gives me consequences because that is what a good father does. They were my choices and I made them. He gave me the freedom to choose.
When I refocus and remember why I need him and why he desires my trust and obedience I can meditate on his words and remember truth. Well tonight I pretty much "got away from him in the store" I was just going to get ahead of him just an aisle or two. I prayed for him to hold my pounding heart and shaking hands and as always when I dwell in his peace long enough and take captive all of my fleshly thoughts I feel him comforting me. He gave me this quote from Beth Moore that I have recited over and over the past two days, but it spoke to me differently tonight. " A powerful motivation for believing God in our present is intentionally remembering how he has worked in our past."WOW. How many situations has God brought to the forefront of my mind in the last 48 hours to remind me that he is ALWAYS for me. How many times has he rescued us. Delivered us. Provided at the last moment? He has always been faithful to me. But in my human mind I still forget at moments that HE IS STILL GOD and HE STAYS THE SAME!
In my human mind I think, "God there is no way you can rescue us this time." That extra money we had last month is gone, because you know we had that unexpected medical bill." Or God won't help me this time. I was irresponsible and careless with precious money that I should have put away for a rainy day." Or God the refund we got the month before, that I know you're thinking we could use to pay that with, is gone...We can't fall back on that remember we already used it to pay for work we had done to repair my old car.""Because when I look at our money everything has to make sense, reconcile, and balance out. But God's ways are higher than mine. His ways are better. He upholds the righteous and longs to bless us. He desires us to TRUST HIM WITH OUR RESOURCES FIRST and tells us in Malachi chapter 3: 10-12 To test him in this: bring the whole tithe/ our first fruits of our labor into the store house and see if he does not throw open the flood gates of heaven, and pour out so much blessing that there won't be enough room to contain it. He will protect our crops and our land from pests and rot. He the Lord Almighty says the nations will call us blessed and ours will be a delightful land." If I am being obedient and honoring God first with my tithe, and he SAYS in his word to test him , and in the past he has always provided for me even when there is more month at the end of the money, why do I still DOUBT? He doesn't revolve the way he works around a calendar, due date, or pay day. He is GOD. He is a good daddy, who wants good things for his children. He doesn't want us to be stuck in the MIDDLE of the MONEY or the MONTH or the MORTGAGE or the CLOTHES RACK. He wants our eyes to be "stuck" on him. And our hope and trust to "stay" in him.
How many blessings have I cheated myself from receiving because of my doubt, selfishness, or disobedience?
I am sorry I brought the laptop and checkbook to bed tonight. Sorry I cried, splashed tears onto the checkbook register and smudged blue sharpie pen on our comforter. I know that "laid back" is the way you roll. You know that "control freak/ panties in a wad" is the only way I know. It is that hard time of the month again. You know....dun dun dun.....The MIDDLE of the month. The part where we have taken all the money we have made in the first two weeks to pay our tithes, childcare, utilities, insurance, gas, and groceries. Now it is the dreaded MIDDLE of the month AGAIN!!! eOur house still hasn't sold. We still have find a way to pay it for one more month. WE have the biggest bill to pay..... that HUGE house payment due..you know all at one time. Oh but we can just pay it before the grace period and we will be fine. Yep, well it is the MIDDLE of the month, the grace period ends tomorrow. I am sweating. I am feeling sick to my stomach. I know that right now the stress I am wallowing in will cause me two wake up puffy red eyes, and two more zits on my face..................I cry some more. I calm down, pray, read and re-read scripture...... THEN the Holy Spirit reminds me things from God's word that I have hidden in my heart....He reminds me that God's grace period never ends. His mercies are NEW every morning. He gives us this day, our DAILY bread.
In everything I have read in the past three days God has reminded me of his promises. He has revealed to me ways that he has provided for us in the past that I had forgotten about. He has whispered "be calm", "trust me" and " hush child" to my heart endlessly over the past several days.
I feel like I am in a crowded store and there are people everywhere. (Think Gainesville Walmart on Black Friday.) God is holding my hand and telling me to walk at his pace. I see ways to go that I think are better, will get us there faster, lines that are shorter, things that are on sale! I see places that I can get to without his help.I have friends waiting in another line, I want to be in line with them. I was just going to let go of his hand for a second. Just get ahead of him, just a little bit. Then it happens, I realize that I am lost. I am that lost, scared child in a huge, busy, crowded store, hiding in the MIDDLE of the clothes rack praying that my parents will call my name and come looking for me before anything bad can happen to me.My flesh thinks of all the terrible things that can happen to me while I am lost. I go through several worst case scenarios, then I quit crying long enough, take a breath and look up and catch a glimpse of him and hear him calling my name. He is there again ready to walk with me and guide me by the hand. He has already told me this: He loves me unconditionally and he will never physically leave me or forsake me ( turn his heart away from me.) Sometimes he scoops me up and gives me the longest, tightest hug, Other times he allows me to suffer for a season or be scared for a few minutes. And there are the times that he disciplines me. He gives me consequences because that is what a good father does. They were my choices and I made them. He gave me the freedom to choose.
When I refocus and remember why I need him and why he desires my trust and obedience I can meditate on his words and remember truth. Well tonight I pretty much "got away from him in the store" I was just going to get ahead of him just an aisle or two. I prayed for him to hold my pounding heart and shaking hands and as always when I dwell in his peace long enough and take captive all of my fleshly thoughts I feel him comforting me. He gave me this quote from Beth Moore that I have recited over and over the past two days, but it spoke to me differently tonight. " A powerful motivation for believing God in our present is intentionally remembering how he has worked in our past."WOW. How many situations has God brought to the forefront of my mind in the last 48 hours to remind me that he is ALWAYS for me. How many times has he rescued us. Delivered us. Provided at the last moment? He has always been faithful to me. But in my human mind I still forget at moments that HE IS STILL GOD and HE STAYS THE SAME!
In my human mind I think, "God there is no way you can rescue us this time." That extra money we had last month is gone, because you know we had that unexpected medical bill." Or God won't help me this time. I was irresponsible and careless with precious money that I should have put away for a rainy day." Or God the refund we got the month before, that I know you're thinking we could use to pay that with, is gone...We can't fall back on that remember we already used it to pay for work we had done to repair my old car.""Because when I look at our money everything has to make sense, reconcile, and balance out. But God's ways are higher than mine. His ways are better. He upholds the righteous and longs to bless us. He desires us to TRUST HIM WITH OUR RESOURCES FIRST and tells us in Malachi chapter 3: 10-12 To test him in this: bring the whole tithe/ our first fruits of our labor into the store house and see if he does not throw open the flood gates of heaven, and pour out so much blessing that there won't be enough room to contain it. He will protect our crops and our land from pests and rot. He the Lord Almighty says the nations will call us blessed and ours will be a delightful land." If I am being obedient and honoring God first with my tithe, and he SAYS in his word to test him , and in the past he has always provided for me even when there is more month at the end of the money, why do I still DOUBT? He doesn't revolve the way he works around a calendar, due date, or pay day. He is GOD. He is a good daddy, who wants good things for his children. He doesn't want us to be stuck in the MIDDLE of the MONEY or the MONTH or the MORTGAGE or the CLOTHES RACK. He wants our eyes to be "stuck" on him. And our hope and trust to "stay" in him.
How many blessings have I cheated myself from receiving because of my doubt, selfishness, or disobedience?
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