Happy Five years Maverick! High Five God! Five years of surprise blessings!

Maverick. We just celebrated his 5th birthday a few weeks ago On August 19th, 2013. Man, how time flies! It seems it was just like last week in the year 2007, my 10 month old baby girl Harleigh started teething and got her first tooth, that I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant with her future brother- Maverick! I was shocked, SURPRISED, a little happy, and honestly ......honestly a lot of sad..... I already had a 10 month old baby! How could I be pregnant? Scientifically, who knows? For all we knew, I was having problems and hadn't ovulated or had a regular cycle since I had given birth to Harleigh back in January 2007 and that on top of Jimmy's infertility  issues and Harleigh being a miracle, another baby this soon, was just IMPOSSIBLE right??? I cut my lovely, long hair off really short :( because I thought thought there would be no time for long hair anymore). Five and a half years later I am still growing it out. I was vain and angry because I had worked hard and given up Coke and bread for almost 9 months people!  and worked out hard  to lose my baby weight and get into my size 2 skinny jeans by the time Harleigh was 9 months old. I was just feeling good about myself. Because for the past 9 months I wasn't sure I was good at the whole mom thing and was doing my best to survive each day! Keeping everyone fed, everyone's clothes washed, learning to balance my many roles in life, and putting one foot in front of the other. I was recovering from serious post-partum depression. It hadn't been too long ago since March 2007 when I attempted to take my own life because I believed Satan's lies that I wasn't a good enough mother, wife, daughter, teacher, or friend.  I didn't think I was cut out for the life God had given me and Jimmy and Harleigh would be better off without me. I was so incredibly selfish. I was so deep in my own tears and shame that I forgot that God had already given me everything I needed to fulfill all of the roles he had given me. I am so thankful I belong to Christ and my life is not my own. He is still working on me. Making me who I ought to be! I completely forgot who I was in Christ and drown in "mom comparisons" of believing that my friends and other new mom's had it all together and enjoyed every moment of being pregnant, delivery, and were thankful for every poopy diaper they changed and ounce of spit up their baby projected onto their sofa or clean shirt. I was overwhelmed and over analyzed every decision I made: go back to work or stay home? bottle feed or breast feed? strict schedule or go with the flow? pacifier or no pacifier? And the most detrimental part of it all was that I didn't share how I felt with anyone other than Jimmy and he did not know how to support me or understand what I was going through. He was just angry and frustrated that the fun loving, confident, prepared, Lindsey he knew was long gone, an had been replaced with a miserable, sad, depressed, timid, quiet, girl who he didn't know and didn't care to know. I was so self -absorbed with all that was wrong with me I completely disregarded his needs and how much having a baby had changed his life too. Having a baby rocked our world and our marriage so ANOTHER baby couldn't be a good thing for us! Right? WRONG, WAY WRONG! WE WERE WRONG.......GOD KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING!


So this post is about Maverick, but the back story- pre-Maverick is really important so you can fully understand the gift and blessing he is to us! There were ups and downs in my pregnancy with Maverick: placenta previa, low amniotic fluid, selling our home, moving into a new and bigger home, teaching at a different school, and not being able to rest because I was chasing around a 1 year old. Keeping me on my toes was just Maverick's and God's way of  presenting me with challenges so that when the next challenge came I could look back and remember how faithful God was and how he brought me through it. On August 18th I was hot, swollen, tired, and miserable. I laid down several times during the day when I wasn't teaching a class. I went to the doctor after school and they said I was dilated 5 cm but I hadn't really been having contractions. They scheduled me to have an amniocentesis in two days, Wednesday August 20th to check his lungs and think about inducing me for pre-mature dilation since he wasn't due for 3 more weeks. I went to our bible study that night and our sweet friends the Smiths, Ewers, and Lesters prayed for us and prayed for Maverick.  On Tuesday August 19th, 2008 Around 5: 30am I thought I was going to get up and get ready for work but Maverick SURPRISED us once again and my water broke! At dark-thrity, we handed Harleigh off to our sweet friends and neighbors Stephen and Michele Lester and took off to the hospital.  Maverick Hayden Smith  was born at 12:59 pm weighing 7 lbs and 3 oz, ( 3 weeks early, so they said.)

We brought him home two days later.  I thought he was perfect. I felt pretty great for just having had a baby and was ready for company and visitors. The second time around was MUCH MUCH MUCH easier than it was with Harleigh. He was a sweet, sweet baby, but CRIED A LOT! A WHOLE LOT! We didn't understand why our voices didn't soothe him. We didn't understand why music or the sound machine didn't soothe him? Why did he have to scream and cry so loud!  We were tired. His crying would wake up his sister. I couldn't figure out why putting him on a schedule wasn't as easy as it was with his sister. We didn't understand what was wrong. Well we got a another huge SURPRISE when Maverick was 4 or 5 weeks old, I got a call from our early intervention service coordinator caseworker? What we have a case worker? Demanding to know why we hadn't sought help and taken the next steps for our babies hearing issues. Some how there was a miscommunication from the hospital letting us know that Maverick had failed his newborn hearing screenings, and referred both ears. They gave him the tests a few times and he did not pass. We had no clue because our first baby had passed her newborn hearing screens and had no issues. We didn't even know hearing screens were given. Now, we understood why music, voices, and sound didn't soothe Maverick. It is because he couldn't hear them! I became very upset and wondered why God would give me this unexpected baby and wonderful surprise but not let him hear? Between 5 weeks old and 10 weeks old  we took numerous trips to the doctor, audiologist and pediatric ENT. We had numerous hearing screens, tympanograms, ABR auditory brain-stem response tests, audiology tests, and still Maverick was labeled with hearing loss and hadn't passed his hearing tests. At 12 weeks old on December 3rd we went down to Children's Health Care at Scottish Rite and he had ear surgery to remove vernix, fluid, and bacteria in his middle ear and insert typanostomy tubes (ear tubes) so that his eustachian tubes would have help draining fluid as they grew and developed, help Maverick to be able to hear and prevent ear infections. We were told that his speech/ auditory processing would most likely be delayed and to make sure we stayed on top of all of our appointments for his periodic hearing screens, and audiology tests so that we could continue to get him on the path to normal hearing. Our small group prayed over his little ears. Friends and family prayed for him. I laid in his bed with him at night with my hands on his ears praying for God to make them work and let him hear!!! Trying to communicate with Maverick from 12-36 months was very frustrating for us as well as others. We learned that he did have some hearing but we weren't sure how much. A lot of things sounded like a whisper to him. If it wasn't at a certain decibel level he couldn't hear it well. We were told it was kind of like being under water and trying to hear. He had poor balance and depth perception,  was clumsy, fell and hit his head often. He CRIED A LOT because he didn't understand what we wanted or expected from him and he didn't have the communication skills to tell us I cried a lot because I was frustrated. I didn't know how to parent him. When he did talk, he couldn't really hear himself so it was hard for all of us to understand. On the outside he was cute, handsome, tall for his age, almost the same size as his very bright and advanced older sister and others became easily frustrated with him because he was so hard to understand and communicate with.

At 3 years old right after his 3rd birthday, HE PASSED HIS HEARING TESTS IN BOTH EARS!!!  Slowly but surely, as he began to hear more, he began to speak more. Most of what he said made no sense and we could barely understand but we were THRILLED TO HEAR HIS LITTLE VOICE ON A REGULAR BASIS! Year three was still tough because I was trying to read up and learn things to do at home to help his language skills, speech, and auditory processing develop and he would get frustrated when we didn't understand what he was trying to tell us, but God was faithful and once again took care of us. Maverick got drawn for the free GA pre-k program and got to have the WONDERFUL teachers his sister had the year before, Mrs. Brandi and Mrs. Teresa. Maverick started pre-k 9 days before his 4th birthday. People rolled their eyes when I told them I felt it was important to start him young rather than hold him back. Inside of me, my mommy instincts said to fight for him. Challenge him. He is an overcomer. He has always suprised us. God would take care of him and he would be ok! He had such a wonderful pre-k experience. He was blessed with wonderful teachers and therapists who went the extra mile, took the extra approach and give him the extra time to learn and reach his potential. He was surrounded by 21 other kids, who were a little older than him, and talked and listened better than he did. You know what happens when you are surrounded with people who are better than you are at something? You get better! You rise to the challenge. You learn more, faster! Maverick progressed and grew more during his pre-k year 2012-2013 than we could have ever imagined! We really really got to communicate with, understand, and talk to our son!Our friends and family will testify that they saw a huge change in Maverick during his 4th year and pre-k.

Maverick started kindergarten 9 days before his 5th birthday. I got the same looks, and eye rolls from people about not holding him back. We couldn't do the free pre-k twice. We can't afford a private pre-k. If I kept him home, he would most likely regress. So he started kindergarten and so far has had an awesome experience. God placed him in Kathi Chastain's class. Without a doubt, I know that she is the teacher that HE needs. He does get frustrated. He gets tired. He needs redirection at times. He may continue to surprise us and learn all his letters, numbers, and began to read this year. Or he may need more time. He may learn to right and recognize his whole name or we may be thrilled when we can write Mav on his own. He may need to do kindergarten again and if he does, then that is ok!  Since school started this year he has spoken to us in complete sentences! He loves school! He repeats things verbatim. He is remembering and comprehending! We love hearing what he has to say! Because whether people know it or not He teaches me something everyday! He is a testimony and symbol of God's faithfulness. He is a reminder that God is our healer! He has been a little vessel that in just 5 years of his young life has pointed so many people to the Lord. God is getting the Glory for Maverick's story! God has healed, and carried, and provided, and supported Maverick. He is with Maverick and for Maverick! And through Maverick, I know God is going to do great things! It may not be in typical ways or ways I would have imagined but I know he will. We serve a mighty God. He has given Maverick a good earthly daddy in Jimmy and is always working on Maverick's behalf as his heavenly father who wants to give good gifts to his children.Maverick is going to be just fine! I am thankful for the opportunity to raise this little boy and trust God in helping Jimmy and I to mold him in to a man after God.


Maverick is the child I didn't think I wanted at first. He has become the child that I didn't know I NEEDED!!! God knew it! He knew Maverick would be a testimony to others of what God can do and will do in the simplest of forms. He knew that through Maverick's struggles I would draw nearer to God for the strength and endurance I needed to be Maverick's mom. He has given me a love for my son and special place in my heart for Maverick that I didn't think could exist. How thankful I am for the SURPRISE he is to us. It is such a JOY to be Maverick's mommy! He keeps us humble! He knows just when and how to embarrass us! He knows when to say the sweetest things and melt our hearts. He is funny! He is silly! He is affectionate!  He is eager to please! He is wild and adventurous and brave! He is always on the go (my mom says his indian name would be " wind in my hair") but he is also afraid of the dark, being alone, and monsters in his closet.

What a surprise blessing having the stomach virus with Maverick has been. I am thankful that having the stomach virus with Maverick the past two days has slowed life down. Given me uninterrupted time with him. Camping out in my bedroom just the two of us with towels, sheets, and trash cans. Watching 15 episodes of Jake and the Neverland Pirates with him. Sitting in my bed eating crackers, drinking powerade, and laughing with him. Noticing mannerisms of his that I would be too busy to notice other wise.  Sitting on the bathroom floor at 3am talking to him while he sits on the potty because his tummy is hurting and he is scared of the dark. Snuggling with him. Feeling my heart break for him when he is leaning over a trashcan, with tears in his eyes, asking me why God let him get sick? Hearing him be thankful and tell me thank you for doing the smallest things for him. I am thankful I finally got around to writing this post. It is long-winded. Probably TMI, but I felt the urge to write it. I hope it helps others reflect on, and be thankful for their unexpected blessings and surprises in life and give God a high five for being so faithful to all of his children.

You're Gonna Miss This...

Disclaimer: This blog post may be a little all over the place, because emotionally I am a little all over the place. Oh.... and you may need a tissue.  a whole box of tissues!

"You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times, so take a good look around. You may not know this now, .....but You're gonna miss this." -Trace Adkins
great country song with a story. the link to the video is below




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBDN8yWyNYU

I AM missing this!!!! I WANT it back! I WISH the infant, toddler, and pre-school days hadn't gone by so fast! They WERE some good times! I HAVE taken a good look around and I KNOW this now, THAT I'm gonna miss this.


Are you crying yet? I AM! I was! I have been for the past two weeks! I have replayed this song and these words in my head over and over and OVER for the past few weeks as I, like many of you are preparing to send my kids back to school. I normally DON'T get emotional when back to school time comes around, BUT this year is different. This year my baby, my youngest child is starting Kindergarten. I didn't cry when Harleigh went to Pre-K. I didn't cry when she went to Kindergarten last school year. I didn't cry when Maverick went to Pre-K last year either, but there is something about KNOWING that your last and youngest child is closing the door on his pre-school years that have seemed to slowly drag by and fling open the door to his future and from what I hear FAST PACED school years! I think part of me is so sad because everyone tells me that once they start  the school routine life gets busier and time flies by and before you know it your are teaching them to drive, helping them pick out their attire for prom, cheering them on in their varsity sport, designing their senior ad in the yearbook, and watching them walk across the stage and into the real world of college and or a career. LIFE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE.....SLOW DOWN! Harleigh's Kindergarten year and Maverick's Pre-K year FLEW  by! "It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash, in happens in the time it takes to look back,  you better hold on tight, 'cuz there's no stopping time.."...- Revive

Two weeks ago I realized why I have been so emotional, I will never have a child starting their first day of Kindergarten again! And...as I get older Summers get "shorter"and go by faster every year! True story!
 
Since the summer after Harleigh finished Pre-K the summers have gotten shorter. Not literally but, time wise they truly have. The summers from 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011 were loooooong summers because of their ages, the schedules and naps that kept me tied down,  the endless diaper changing, feeding, potty training, and how dependent my children were on me. Summers 2012 and 2013 were a short and bitter sweet, because my children are much more independent. I am no longer waiting for them to get to an age where we can do "stuff" together. They can swim, bike, hike, fish, tube,play ball,  fix their own food, turn on their own cartoons, dress themselves, and load up in the car and buckle themselves ( can I get an AMEN on that last one!) etc. I'm not sitting around waiting on the next milestone. I can't wait till they roll over or sit up. I better get the video camera because any day now they will take their first steps or say their first words. I can't wait till they learn to read and write and to tell time! There isn't time to wait on the milestones to happen! They are reaching them before I have time to take a picture, video it, or write it down!

YOU CAN NEVER, NEVER,  EVER, EVER TAKE TOO MANY PICTURES!...EVER!

 I believe around the ages of 4-6 they learn so much, so fast there is just no way to capture it all. Their brains are SPONGES people! HUGE SPONGES, like the ones I wash my Suburban with! They just SOAK UP EVERYTHING! This is also the age where you have to really dig in your heels when it comes to structure, parenting, and discipline. They are going to be swimming in a "school" with lots of new and different fish. Fish that live in ponds, oceans, streams, lakes, and rivers much different from the one they live in. They will learn that their friends parents have different rules. They start to figure out that mom and dad don't know everything and they start to test you. So be consistent. Be careful  what you allow them to see, hear, and do. MOST IMPORTANTLY get on your KNEES daily and PRAY for your children. Pray for their teachers. Pray for their classmates and teammates. Pray for the friends they will choose and friendships they will build. Pray that God will give them people daily  to be a mouthpiece for him that will speak truth and love into their lives. Pray for them to love God and to know him in their heart. Pray for them to love others. Pray for them to forgive when others hurt them and know that we are all born bad/ sinners but through God's love for us and him giving his life for us we can choose to be good and do good through his power at work within us! Pray for God to help you be the parent that they need you to be and he designed you to be. My friend Dawn Smith said that she had a former pastor back at their church when they lived in Texas tell her this and it has resonated with me this week: " You are NOT responsible for raising godly children, but you ARE responsible for being a godly parent." Gulp, do you have a lump in your throat right about now? I do!  That is a tall order!


 For the past six weeks I have been working at new job to help provide for us financially until our home sells. I have been an emotional mess and cry for no reason. Get a lump in my throat and start to choke up over the most random things, but it is because I fell like I am "missing it."  From the time I leave the house to the time I get home, I am gone for about 11-12 hours, Monday through Friday. One hour to get the kids dropped off, and commute to work. Nine hours at work. Another hour after work to pick up the kids, drive home, run an errand or two. By the time I cook dinner and clean up the kitchen, and pack lunches for the next day, I am too tired to play with or really enjoy my kids. This BREAKS my heart! The busyness and time away from my kids and our home has made time and this summer go by faster than EVER! I am not ok with this! But for now this is life. Choices Jimmy and I made brought us to this point and it was time for me to pick up my shovel and help him start digging us out of the financial pit we are in from not saving and biting off a mortgage that was more than we could chew!  I know it is only for a season but during this time I have to pray that God will give me the strength to parent them lovingly when I've had enough. Pray that he will impart wisdom to me when I dealing with how to handle a difficult situation they are having at school. And Pray that he will give me the energy I need, in order to play with and enjoy my kids for the very FEW hours I get to be with them each day. I know God is faithful. I know he will provide. And I know that I can press through this season because it won't be forever. I will eat PBJs, cut off our TV, and live in a tiny house before I will give my life to a job to buy stuff, be busy, have a big house, and a nice car. I won't do it. I did that already for a while and it didn't work out so well. And I don't care to EVER do it again.



Ephesians 5:15-17 is a great truth from God's word to hide in your heart especially when it comes to parenting our children!
 ¹⁵ Therefore ^[j]be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, ^16 [k]making the most of your time, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
. 
Ephesians 5:15-17 NASB

 
So with us all being reminded that our kids are only this "age" for a little while, I want to challenge myself as well as you, NOT TO BE IN A HURRY! Life happens and it will hurry you along whether you want it to or not. Be INTENTIONAL. Slow down. Stop and take just one more picture. When your eyelids weigh 1,000 pound, read them one more book or bedtime story. When they ask you to check the closet, check under the bed, turn on their lamp and two night lights, and pray with them before bed, and beg you to ask Jesus to "take away all the monsters and put good dreams in their heart and head" just one more time,do it without rolling your eyes. When you are ready to fall into your own bed, snuggle with them in theirs one minute longer and hug them one squeeze tighter. When it's hot and humid outside agree to watch them ride their bike, or kick the ball one more time.Proudly tell them how much you love that drawing of monsters or butterflies they just drew for you, for the 15th time in two days! We aren't promised tomorrow. Our CHILDREN are a PRECIOUS GIFT that GOD has ENTRUSTED to US! Spend our time with them WISELY.


 Another song that I have been singing in my head this week is the one below. It may make you cry too, but it is sweet and uplifting!

"I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams, and that faith gives you the courage to dare to do great things. I'm here for you whatever this life brings, so let my love give you roots and help you find your wings."- Mark Harris
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXofFc3BBpA

Praying for all my mommies out there as school starts back! Monday August 12th be praying  for me as I close the door to our Pre-School years and walk through the door of Elementary School beyond!
-Linds

Dear Jimmy,

Dear Jimmy,
     I am sorry that I allow our finances to stress me out so much. I am sorry I drag you onto the financial roller-coaster of ups and downs. I appreciate how hard and how much you work. I know you cannot work any harder than you do now. I hear your frustration that you bust your butt working long hours, doing manual labor, in the freezing cold and scorching heat and there still isn't much money to do "fun" or "extra" stuff with. What we don't even have enough to put gas in the boat this month? And just when we think we are going to get ahead and be able to save, and unexpected expense pops up. Two steps forward, four steps back.  I am sorry that I just now went back to work full time and that I make only half the money I used to. I am grateful that God brought me a job so that I can help you provide and for such a time as this he has me working at a poultry plant :)  I don't know why, but I know for right now that is where I am supposed to be. I know quitting my teaching job and staying at home this past year put a lot of pressure on you and a HUGE strain on us financially. I am thankful that almost every day during this past school year God provided a way for me to earn money and help provide for our family whether through cleaning houses, taking care of other people pets, baby-sitting, cleaning cars, organizing people's homes, part-time/ temp work, substitute and contract teaching. It has been a humbling year for me and truly given me time to reflect on my life and the "rat race" I was running.

As hard as this past year has been, I wouldn't change it for the world. And If I could do it over I would do things just the same. Jimmy, thank you for taking a chance on me. Thank you for letting me have a year to "breathe" and stop going through the motions and take time to seek what God has for me and who I am in Him. I will NEVER regret and will ALWAYS cherish ALL THE TIME AND MEMORIES THIS PAST YEAR 2012 -2013 has given me with our children. Harleigh is about to start first grade and Maverick Kindergarten can you believe it? What JOY it brought me to take them to and from school each day and be able to work at their school most days. What a blessing it has been for me to volunteer in Harleigh's classroom and watch her succeed, read, and shine. How thankful I am to have been able to interact with her amazing teachers who really care about our daughter and celebrated her unique creativity and artistic abilities and affinity for song writing! How critical it was that Maverick got a spot in the Pre-K program and that  I was able to get Maverick to and from Pre-K every day!  God blessed him with such wonderful teachers, who went ABOVE and BEYOND to accommodate him and meet him where he was at but push him just enough for him to experience success and breakthroughs! Pre-K changed our lives!God healed his ears and restored his hearing. This year we saw Maverick grow and overcome so many things we had worried about for him and feared for him when he was younger, and for the first time in his 4 years of life we could truly communicate with him and get to know the precious son God has given us.

Jimmy, Thank you for bearing with me as I stepped out of my comfort zone and dealt with a lot of emotions as I tried to figure out what God wants for me.I needed a "time-out" from the whirlwind of life: meeting you at 17, engaged at 18, college, buying our first house at 19, married at 20, buying our second home at 21, teaching job at 22, having Harleigh at 23, buying our 3rd home,  Maverick at 24 and going through the motions everyday to drop my kids off with someone else while I went to work to make an extra dollar to pay for stuff we didn't need to impress people we don't know and sometimes didn't even like. It is an ugly truth, but we all know there is some truth there. We sold my nice fancy car and bought and old one we could pay cash for, we didn't have to pay for childcare anymore. I sold my  designer purses and "fluff stuff" when we needed to save for something or pay bills. And even with all that for the first time, I had flexibility in my schedule and breathing room added to my days. I was able to build some healthy friendships with godly women who affirmed God's works in me and challenged me not to settle for less than God's best and to claim his promises. I was able to process through  and heal from a lot of things that I had pushed to the side. I learned that it didn't matter that I wasn't currently a teacher or educator and that the only identity I truly need to know is this:  that I am HIS. I am a daughter of the king. I belong to Jesus. I am his beloved. He is my kinsman Redeemer. He calls me Blessed. He gave his life and made a way for me to know him. It doesn't matter where I work or what I am doing. I know WHOSE I am and each day I have learned to be content and fulfill the purpose he has for me for that day. I learned more about how God loves me. I learned more about how he calls me to love others. It has helped me love you more and love our children more.

I am thankful I got to really take care of and rule in my God given domain/ our household. I am thankful I had time to cook good "hearty" meals for you and keep the laundry caught up so we had family time to play in the yard after supper or watch movies. The weekends were special because I was able to get my housework done during the week. I know this year was TOUGH on our relationship and constant battle for our marriage, but we STAYED IN IT. WE are still fighting. We experienced  a lot of resentment from both parties and now we are experiencing healing and forgiveness and choosing to believe the best.


Jimmy, I think the lessons,triumphs, trials, and blessings we experienced this past year will be ones that impact future generations. We are both stubborn. We were young and God is maturing us, pruning us, and molding us. He has proven his FAITHFULNESS time and time again. He has REDEEMED relationships. He has transformed our thinking and changed our hearts. Remember when we used to want a real big house, in a real nice subdivision, with an upstairs and a basement? Remember when you wanted that new z71 truck and I traded in my Paid for! car for a much newer fully loaded suburban? We worked hard and thought we deserved and needed those things. Geez Louise were we way off target.The more stuff we got the more heartache and sorrows we had. In the past year we have stood together and taken initiative to becoming debt free! It is hard and we are SCRAPING BY......We have simplified. We are "thrilled" to driver older paid for cars, buy everything with cash, and say No to credit cards and spending money we don't have. Of course we still pout. We still complain and want stuff, but the things that really matter and that we really want aren't things you can buy, or get a loan for. Its time with our family. Time outdoors in God's creation, time with our kids, pets, family and friends.

I hear ya, I know you are frustrated that our house hasn't sold; I am too. We are pleading with God to help us sell it so we can downsize to a little cottage or bungalow that we can remodel together as we have the cash to do it on a little piece of land with  no HOA covenants for you and some more animals for me!We want financial freedom so that we can give and be generous and not be a slave to a job because being a slave is NO FUN! God knows our hearts. He is preparing us for something better. He may allow us to stay here a while longer and remember the price we have paid for our choices. He may be teaching us financial discipline and stewardship so we can handle the blessings that are to come. WE learned money comes and goes but only God stays the same. Maybe this is just a BIG SCAR to always remind us how DEBT is a JOY KILLER and CAN SUCK the LIFE OUT OF PEOPLE.

I don't know exactly why, we are still in this season, But I do know this for sure: GOD IS SOVEREIGN. God is good. God has always been FAITHFUL to us!

Sorry it has taken me so long to tell you thank you for sticking with me after this crazy year of transition.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love you.
Faithfully,
Linds

Stuck in the Middle... of the Money, the Month, the Mortgage and the Clothes Rack

Dear Jimmy, and  Dear God,
I am sorry I brought the laptop and checkbook to bed tonight. Sorry I cried, splashed tears onto the checkbook register and smudged blue sharpie pen on our comforter. I know that "laid back" is the way you roll. You know that "control freak/ panties in a wad" is the only way I know. It is that hard time of the month again. You know....dun dun dun.....The MIDDLE of the month. The part where we have taken all the money we have made in the first two weeks to pay our tithes, childcare, utilities, insurance, gas, and groceries. Now it is the dreaded MIDDLE of the month AGAIN!!! eOur house still hasn't sold. We still have  find a way to pay it for one more month. WE have the biggest bill to pay..... that HUGE house payment due..you know all at one time. Oh but we can just pay it before the grace period and we will be fine. Yep, well it is the MIDDLE of the month, the grace period ends tomorrow. I am sweating. I am feeling sick to my stomach. I know that right now the stress I am wallowing in will cause me two wake up puffy red eyes, and  two more zits on my face..................I cry some more. I calm down, pray, read and re-read scripture...... THEN the Holy Spirit reminds me things from God's word that I have hidden in my heart....He reminds me that God's grace period never ends. His mercies are NEW every morning. He gives us this day, our DAILY bread.

In everything I have read in the past three days God has reminded me of his promises. He has revealed to me ways that he has provided for us in the past that I had forgotten about. He has whispered "be calm", "trust me" and " hush child" to my heart endlessly over the past several days.

 I feel like I am in a crowded store and there are people everywhere. (Think Gainesville Walmart on Black Friday.) God is holding my hand and telling me to walk at his pace. I see ways to go that I think are better, will get us there faster, lines that are shorter, things that are on sale! I see places that I can get to without his help.I have friends waiting in another line, I want to be in line with them.  I was just going to let go of his hand for a second. Just get ahead of him, just a little bit.  Then it happens, I realize that I am lost.  I am that lost, scared child in a huge,  busy, crowded store, hiding in the MIDDLE of the clothes rack praying that my parents will call my name and come looking for me before anything bad can happen to me.My flesh thinks of all the terrible things that can happen to me while I am lost. I go through several worst case scenarios, then I quit crying long enough, take a breath and look up and catch a glimpse of him and hear him calling my name. He is there again ready to walk with me and guide me by the hand. He has already told me this: He loves me unconditionally and he will never physically leave me or forsake me ( turn his heart away from me.)  Sometimes he scoops me up and gives me the longest, tightest hug, Other times he allows me to suffer for a season or be scared for a few minutes. And there are the times that he disciplines me. He gives me consequences because that is what a good father does. They were my choices and I made them.  He gave me the freedom to choose.

When I refocus and remember why I need him and why he desires my trust and obedience I can meditate on his words and remember truth.  Well  tonight I pretty much "got away from him in the store" I was just going to get ahead of him just an aisle or two. I  prayed for him to hold my pounding heart and shaking hands and as always when I dwell in his peace long enough and take captive all of my fleshly thoughts I feel him comforting me. He gave me this quote from Beth Moore that I have recited over and over the past two days, but it spoke to me differently tonight. " A powerful motivation for believing God in our present is intentionally remembering how he has worked in our past."WOW. How many situations has God brought to the forefront of my mind in the last 48 hours to remind me that he is ALWAYS for me. How many times has he rescued us. Delivered us. Provided at the last moment? He has  always been faithful to me. But in my human mind I still forget at moments that HE IS STILL GOD and HE STAYS THE SAME!

 In my human mind I think, "God there is no way you can rescue us this time." That extra money we had last month is gone, because you know we had that unexpected medical bill." Or God won't help me this time. I was irresponsible and careless with precious money that I should have put away for a rainy day."  Or God the refund we got the month before, that I know you're thinking we could use to pay that with,  is gone...We can't fall back on that remember we already used it to pay for work we had done to repair my old car.""Because when I look at our money everything has to make sense, reconcile, and balance out. But God's ways are higher than mine. His ways are better. He upholds the righteous and longs to bless us. He  desires us to TRUST HIM WITH OUR RESOURCES FIRST and tells us in Malachi chapter 3: 10-12  To  test him in this: bring the whole tithe/ our first fruits of our labor into the store house and see if he does not throw open the flood gates of heaven, and pour out so much blessing that there won't be enough room to contain it. He will protect our crops and our land from pests and rot. He the Lord Almighty says the nations will call us blessed and ours will be a delightful land." If I am being obedient and honoring God first with my tithe, and he SAYS in his word to test him , and in the past he has always provided for me even when there is more month at the end of the money, why do I still DOUBT? He doesn't revolve the way he works around a calendar, due date, or pay day.  He is GOD. He is a good daddy, who wants good things for his children.  He doesn't want us to be stuck in the MIDDLE of the MONEY or the MONTH or the MORTGAGE or the CLOTHES RACK.  He wants our eyes to be "stuck" on him. And our hope and trust to "stay" in him.

How many  blessings have I cheated myself from receiving because of my doubt, selfishness, or disobedience?

VBS (vacation bible school) ain't just for kids

 A couple months back I registered my kids for VBS. I volunteered, so I got to be a part of the whole VBS week! My kids LOVED LOVED LOVED VBS ( we weren't able to do it last summer because of my work :( and it has been about a year in a half since my kids have gotten to be a part of something like that. They learned songs&choreography, praised Jesus, played games, ate delicious snacks, made crafts, made new friends, re-connected with old friends, learned about facing fear and trusting God through bible stories about Paul.

The thing that BLESSED my heart the most was when Harleigh, my six year old hollered out in the car one morning (after our daily pray out loud in the car time) not to turn the radio on even though we were done praying because she wanted to say her scripture memory verse. I was like what??? Your verse? You already know it? You didn't ask me to help you memorize it! Harleigh said, "I didn't need your help mom!" Then some of the most beautiful, precious, words came out of her mouth....."For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgement." 2 Timothy 1:7
Wow yall! To hear my child hide God's word in her heart.........overwhelmed me with emotion, brought tears to my eyes, and challenged me to be more INTENTIONAL about hiding God's word in my heart so that I can claim His promises, be guided my His truth, and be confident in who I am in Him.

So on top of witnessing my daughter speaking from God's word, I was ministered to all week long! I was greeted, prayed with, hugged and loved on by some precious people that I had been missing! People that are a part of my and Jimmy's story.....back to August 2004 right before we got married. People who were standing outside the delivery room door when our children were born. People who took our children to the doctor for us when we couldn't miss one more day of work. People who walk around our home and prayed. People who committed to us and challenged us to go deeper in our relationship with Christ. People that have invested in us even when we couldn't give any thing back or where too immature to realize their investment. Godly women encouraged me, listened to my heart, provided wise counsel and imparted wisdom that I had been so thirsty for.

I feel like in this season of life I am in I have been running a marathon....or a race that is even longer than that, whatever that's called and after VBS week I was given new shoes for my tired feet, cold-clean water for my thirst, a protein bar for my hunger,  and for my weary heart and mind....encouragement from those cheering me on to finish strong and run well.

I realized that the theme Colossal Coaster World-Jesus is the Ride of You Life, "Fact ing Fear, Trusting God" was just as much for me as it was for the kids. The years 2012-2013 have been a time of transition for me. From being a teacher to a home-maker/odd jobber, going to help in music ministry at small church plant we felt like we were called to help with at the time, trying to keep it together financially after cutting our income in half, fighting with Jimmy to stay together and see this marriage through during a difficult year together with lots of unknowns,  feeling lost as to what my purpose was and lonely because when I quit teaching I was alone and all my teaching friends were busy and life is busy and it's hard to stay close to people that we don't work with and see on a daily  or weekly basis.

It is time for yet another season of transitions that need to be made. Jimmy told me they were coming. I just closed my eye, shrugged my shoulders and hoped I could just think about that another day....but more change is coming and I can fight it with tense shoulders, closed eyes, a broken out face, and sleepless nights OR I can face my fears and start trusting God. My Father, my Savior, my Redeemer and follow where he leads because he knows me like no one else. He only desires the best for his daughter and promises to never forsake me!

VBS week prepared me and brought me to a place where I am ready to face some fears, do some things that are new and scary, run my house-hold a little differently, study the book of James and God's word like I never have before and MOST of all helped me experience PEACE. Super-natural Peace that only comes from resting in Christ and turning the steering wheel back over to Him................Lots of NEW opportunities have fallen into my hands this week. Last week I would have been over-whelmed and paralyzed by fear. But, not this week I am facing fear, trusting God with my eyes open and my hand in His....reminding myself when doubt enters my mind that God has got this!

VBS, it ain't just for kids! So glad I said yyyy-yes to vvv-vbs!


BTW, Jimmy and I have been working hard since my last post to choose to believe the best about each other! Our communication with each other and understanding of each other has improved tremendously. ( We know we still have to keep working at it daily) This is a picture from last night. It is just a real, true, candid shot capturing a genuine moment. Not cheesy or posed, or over done like the ones I would normally post or put in a frame, because these smiles are results from what's going on ....on the inside. :)

Thanks for reading and giving me a place to share my heart!
-Linds

Don't Stop Beleivin'.... .And Don't Hold On To That Feelin'

 Is the famous Journey song playing in your head right now? Don't stop believin', hold onto to that feelin'.... Well....something I have learned and am still learning (keyword: STILL learning,#stubborn #strongwilled... yes even as I write this) is to CHOOSE to believe the BEST about your spouse. I didn't come to this practice on my own but several years ago through very wise counsel from a dear friend and mentor Dawn Smith. It basically means this: in marriage between a man and a woman when your feelings are hurt, expectations unmet, you feel disrespected and your back is against the wall you make a CHOICE to believe the absolute best about your spouse. You have to make a conscious CHOICE because you have to deny what your FLESH is telling you. You have to take captive in prayer every negative thought, feeling, and emotion that swells up, chokes your heart, and paralyzes your mind from thinking objectively, because those are all from our fleshly desires. You start to hold on to those feelings for too long and resentment builds up in your heart and your mind brick by brick. Your get hysterical and historical ( those are NEVER, EVER, EVER a good combination, so don't let those two GET BACK TOGETHER, when you have a fight with your spouse NO, NEVER) and let all the events in the past in which your spouse has hurt you, neglected you, come back to the surface and stew in the crock-pot of your mind. Allowing this to happen takes your focus off believing the best about your spouse and makes your new focus feeling sorry for yourself and life you are owed something. You react and over-react.You want them to know how deeply they hurt you. You give ultimatums. Your lash our verbally and try to tackle to situation without asking God to transform and renew your mind so that you can handle the situation with grace, love and forgiveness. You forget this:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:11-13
You see Satan detests Gods design for marriage. Two people making a covenant before God to serve and love God first and then serve and love one another for the rest of their lives is the opposite of what we see people do in our culture today. To do marriage God's way, you have to be SELF-LESS. You have to love your spouse with a SELF-LESS love expecting nothing in return and persevering in loving your spouse even if they don't reciprocate. In the Bible through the book of Hosea, God draws us a picture of of what self-less love looks like and how we have to love to our end, love even when it hurts. We are human. We were born sinners and our FLESH wants us to naturally act out of selfishness, but  when we accept salvation through Jesus Christ, we have God's power in us!Yep, we have super-natural power because God's power is within us! A lot of times I just have a brain fart and totally forget to channel the Holy Spirit! We can ask Him to help us deny our selfish desires and love our spouse like God loves us: Unconditionally! ( even if they don't do life with you under your conditions! i.e: don't put their dirty clothes in the hamper, don't put their dishes in the sink,  do pursue their hobbies more in their free time instead of you, don't stick to the budget, don't keep the house as clean and tidy as you'd like, do feel prettier in gym shorts and a t-shirt than they do in heels and a cute dress, don't like to iron, don't make the bed, don't cook the kind of meals you like...... and the list of conditions by we which we want our spouses husband and wife to adhere to go on  and on. 

We have to ask God to give us Grace for the Moment and help us to CHOOSE to believe the best about our spouse. CHOOSE to love them even if we ain't feelin it! So the next time your spouse does something that gets you all jacked-up, leaves you feeling hurt, disrespected, and unloved ask yourself this question: In (name of your spouse) heart of hearts was it his/her intention to intentionally hurt me through saying this, doing that, etc.? Most of the time the answer is gonna be no, nope, and nada IT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL it was NOT something they did on purpose to intentionally cause you grief and pain. It was a choice they made without thinking, careless, rushed, impulsive, or accidental. And if the answer is yes and occasionally it is when we choose to lose control and let it all hang out, we name call, we accuse, you always, we blame,  you made me, your mama..., and try wound to each other...we have to forgive our spouse. Forgive them not just with our words but with our heart and our attitudes. When we are the ones that lose our cool and say foolish things, act childish and selfish don't we want them to give us some Grace and extend that same forgiveness to us? Don't we want our spouse to ALWAYS CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THE BEST ABOUT US? I know I do!

So choose to believe the best about your spouse the next time y'all have a misunderstanding. Jimmy and I are fighting HARD against the spiritual forces of evil to stay a team and continue to do marriage God's way! It HAS been hard. It STILL IS hard, real hard. Wounds, words, sweat, tears, lots of snot, and tissues. But we are still in the fight! Every time we have been knocked down over the past 8 years and 8 months of our marriage God has helped us calm down, seek wise counsel, come to Him, and choose to believe the best about each other! When you believe in each other and believe that deep down your spouse loves the Lord and will do "the next right thing"( shout out to Dawn's husband, Scott Smith) you can get up a lot quicker and the blows you took from the last battle heal faster! 
Just writing this post is challenging me even more.....kind of a form of accountability.

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Grace for the MOMent- First blog, what it's all about!

Hey y'all, I'm Lindsey Smith from Gainesville, Georgia-born and raised and still call it home today! I married Jimmy Smith my high school sweetheart in October 2004. In 2007 God blessed us with a gorgeous baby girl named Harleigh, and in 2008 He surprised us with the handsomest baby boy by the name of Maverick. We love our little 10 year old, 10 pound ball of white fluff we call Trooper. He is our caring canine, but it is our 110 pound, black bolder, loveable labrador Kota that keeps us all on our toes! Jimmy and I met at church my junior year of high school leading worship together for our youth group.(he plays and sings, I just sing, y'all)He is the brains and says I'm the beauty of the duo- ok after two kids in two years if he still thinks that I won't argue. Fast forward 13 years to current day and we are still doing just that. We love Jesus and are a constant work in progress learning how to love God more deeply so that we can best love each other and his people. It is a simple mission but difficult and messy because people our broken and life can be hard.

For the past 6 years I have been a school teacher for our local school system; however, I took this past year "off" to stay home and re-evaluate why was doing life the way I was, what God wants for my life, and have more time to focus on being a wife and mom. I didn't stay at home much though...we kind of needed me to work odd jobs to bring home gas and grocery money. I've kept babies, worked retail, been an administrative assistant, sold stuff on facebook, photography, washed cars, cleaned houses,  organized peoples homes, been a substitute teacher, done a contract teaching job...you name it. Jimmy is the HARDEST most HONEST working man I know! He does manual labor daily for 9-12 hours working outside in the elements as an industrial electrician. We are living in the same housing market and economy as everybody else and until we sell our house, it takes two baby, me and you!

So why a blog? I have always been pretty transparent and being an open book is just how I roll. If I can be honest and share my wins and loses with others and it brings them closer to the God I serve then I am honored to give him the glory for my story. I prayed about and pondered the title of my blog for weeks! And one night or should I say mornin at twelve something AM, Grace for the MOMent hit me. I put the MOM part of moment in all caps because boy...being a mom has put my need for God's grace at a whole new level. Sometimes I have to ask for it moment by moment so I don't lose my cool with Jimmy or the kids. Often times I act out of my flesh and go a little crazy...then I have pray out loud, say I am sorry, and reign my emotions back in. So the scripture that is the basis for my blog title is this one: " Each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

 I will post about things God is teaching me, wisdom He imparts, my marriage, my kids, style and fashion,  pottery barn taste on my yard sale budget, having fun and being frugal, home decor and house hold products I love, and just random things that hit me and I think would be good to share!

And that is just that! Thanks for reading and joining me on this journey...- Lindsey