Stuck in the Middle... of the Money, the Month, the Mortgage and the Clothes Rack

Dear Jimmy, and  Dear God,
I am sorry I brought the laptop and checkbook to bed tonight. Sorry I cried, splashed tears onto the checkbook register and smudged blue sharpie pen on our comforter. I know that "laid back" is the way you roll. You know that "control freak/ panties in a wad" is the only way I know. It is that hard time of the month again. You know....dun dun dun.....The MIDDLE of the month. The part where we have taken all the money we have made in the first two weeks to pay our tithes, childcare, utilities, insurance, gas, and groceries. Now it is the dreaded MIDDLE of the month AGAIN!!! eOur house still hasn't sold. We still have  find a way to pay it for one more month. WE have the biggest bill to pay..... that HUGE house payment due..you know all at one time. Oh but we can just pay it before the grace period and we will be fine. Yep, well it is the MIDDLE of the month, the grace period ends tomorrow. I am sweating. I am feeling sick to my stomach. I know that right now the stress I am wallowing in will cause me two wake up puffy red eyes, and  two more zits on my face..................I cry some more. I calm down, pray, read and re-read scripture...... THEN the Holy Spirit reminds me things from God's word that I have hidden in my heart....He reminds me that God's grace period never ends. His mercies are NEW every morning. He gives us this day, our DAILY bread.

In everything I have read in the past three days God has reminded me of his promises. He has revealed to me ways that he has provided for us in the past that I had forgotten about. He has whispered "be calm", "trust me" and " hush child" to my heart endlessly over the past several days.

 I feel like I am in a crowded store and there are people everywhere. (Think Gainesville Walmart on Black Friday.) God is holding my hand and telling me to walk at his pace. I see ways to go that I think are better, will get us there faster, lines that are shorter, things that are on sale! I see places that I can get to without his help.I have friends waiting in another line, I want to be in line with them.  I was just going to let go of his hand for a second. Just get ahead of him, just a little bit.  Then it happens, I realize that I am lost.  I am that lost, scared child in a huge,  busy, crowded store, hiding in the MIDDLE of the clothes rack praying that my parents will call my name and come looking for me before anything bad can happen to me.My flesh thinks of all the terrible things that can happen to me while I am lost. I go through several worst case scenarios, then I quit crying long enough, take a breath and look up and catch a glimpse of him and hear him calling my name. He is there again ready to walk with me and guide me by the hand. He has already told me this: He loves me unconditionally and he will never physically leave me or forsake me ( turn his heart away from me.)  Sometimes he scoops me up and gives me the longest, tightest hug, Other times he allows me to suffer for a season or be scared for a few minutes. And there are the times that he disciplines me. He gives me consequences because that is what a good father does. They were my choices and I made them.  He gave me the freedom to choose.

When I refocus and remember why I need him and why he desires my trust and obedience I can meditate on his words and remember truth.  Well  tonight I pretty much "got away from him in the store" I was just going to get ahead of him just an aisle or two. I  prayed for him to hold my pounding heart and shaking hands and as always when I dwell in his peace long enough and take captive all of my fleshly thoughts I feel him comforting me. He gave me this quote from Beth Moore that I have recited over and over the past two days, but it spoke to me differently tonight. " A powerful motivation for believing God in our present is intentionally remembering how he has worked in our past."WOW. How many situations has God brought to the forefront of my mind in the last 48 hours to remind me that he is ALWAYS for me. How many times has he rescued us. Delivered us. Provided at the last moment? He has  always been faithful to me. But in my human mind I still forget at moments that HE IS STILL GOD and HE STAYS THE SAME!

 In my human mind I think, "God there is no way you can rescue us this time." That extra money we had last month is gone, because you know we had that unexpected medical bill." Or God won't help me this time. I was irresponsible and careless with precious money that I should have put away for a rainy day."  Or God the refund we got the month before, that I know you're thinking we could use to pay that with,  is gone...We can't fall back on that remember we already used it to pay for work we had done to repair my old car.""Because when I look at our money everything has to make sense, reconcile, and balance out. But God's ways are higher than mine. His ways are better. He upholds the righteous and longs to bless us. He  desires us to TRUST HIM WITH OUR RESOURCES FIRST and tells us in Malachi chapter 3: 10-12  To  test him in this: bring the whole tithe/ our first fruits of our labor into the store house and see if he does not throw open the flood gates of heaven, and pour out so much blessing that there won't be enough room to contain it. He will protect our crops and our land from pests and rot. He the Lord Almighty says the nations will call us blessed and ours will be a delightful land." If I am being obedient and honoring God first with my tithe, and he SAYS in his word to test him , and in the past he has always provided for me even when there is more month at the end of the money, why do I still DOUBT? He doesn't revolve the way he works around a calendar, due date, or pay day.  He is GOD. He is a good daddy, who wants good things for his children.  He doesn't want us to be stuck in the MIDDLE of the MONEY or the MONTH or the MORTGAGE or the CLOTHES RACK.  He wants our eyes to be "stuck" on him. And our hope and trust to "stay" in him.

How many  blessings have I cheated myself from receiving because of my doubt, selfishness, or disobedience?